My parents lived a lie. To everyone, including their kids, they were a perfect, a-sexual couple, Even the mere mention of sexual topics was met by them with appropriate levels of pearl-clutching and feigned embarrassment. But, behind the prudish presentation, they were some pretty kinky folks. I didn't figure that out until I was in high school and, one day when I was home alone, I managed to crack the lock on a safe they had hidden away in their bedroom. Inside, I found a bunch of really graphic porn, sex toys and other things that proved that the prudes they pretended to be were all a show.
Repeated visits to the porn safe clearly showed me that this was not some unused and forgotten stash. New porn would arrive, the toys were obviously used. And, like magic, when they traveled, the stuff disappeared from the safe... because they were taking it with them.
One particular photo in their secret porn stash took me by surprise and got me really excited. It was of a guy fingering his ass while he jacked off. And, it is where this story ultimately comes full circle, because I flashed back to what was then my first and only experience with ass play.
The first time I realized that my butt hole could be a source of pleasure was when I was a child of maybe 7 years of age. I was home from school because I was sick, but not too sick. I was home alone sitting in a big chair, wrapped in a warm blanket watching TV. I was wearing nothing but loose underwear.
In my childhood, I had very little privacy, generally. My time jacking off was, therefore, usually done fast and without much experimentation or play. But that day, snuggled in that warm blanket, I realized I could take as much time as I wanted and just play. I let my hands and fingers wonder around, feeling by cock and balls and the areas around them. I am pretty sure I massaged by perineum for the first time that day, I could feel a sense of excitement building as I explored more. Eventually, my fingers reached by ass. Touching it felt good. Strangely good. Excitingly good. My heart rate increased dramatically and I was overwhelmed with excitement when I realized that I could probably put my fingers in my ass. Nervously and without any lubrication of any kind, I slowly began to press my finger into my sphincter. Because I had no idea what I was doing and I was not using any lube, I had to go very slowly. As my finger slid bit by bit deeper into my hole, I got increasingly excited. Waves of excitement were surging through my whole body. Then, all of a sudden, everything changed.
My finger had gradually moved past the muscular walls of my ass and the tip of it entered the inner cavity of by ass. The hot wetness of my hole engulfed the end of my finger. When that happened, I was instantly awash with a deep sense of guilt and shame. IMG, I was being so naughty, so dirty... so bad. I withdrew by finger and washed by hands, because I could smell by ass on it. And, it seemed, no matter how much I washed, the smell wouldn't go away. The shame that I felt that day kept me from engaging in ass play again, that is until I found my parent's secret porn stash and saw the picture of the guy fingering his hole. When I saw that, the memory of my first ass play experience came back. It was both reassuring and exciting that other guys fingered their asses for pleasure. I got busy being an ass-play practitioner.
I successfully set my shame about it aside until one day when I came home from school and was confronted by my mother. She had been going through my things and had found some Polaroid porn shots I had taken of myself, including one of me fingering my ass. She was apoplectic and spent nearly an hour questioning me about how I came to engage in such deplorable behavior.
I never did tell her that I had found her porn stash, or the sex toys, but the hypocrisy of it all left a big impression that has kept me thinking about sex, hypocrisy and shame more than most.
My parents were living a lie. Its the same lie that too many of us live: keeping our sexuality bottled up and hidden away most of the time, ultimately denying a core part of who we are for much of our lives. That is not good for people or for society at large.
Sex and sexuality is a gift we all have within us, one that is so powerful that can lift our mood, change our minds and hearts and our sexual hormones can even help to heal our bodies. It is truly a force that binds and connects all people in many different ways. Oxytocin, one of the hormones we produce during sex, is known as the "Love Hormone" because it literally helps people form bonds of love... even straight men who jack off together.
Sex and sexuality is one of the deepest and most powerful aspects of ourselves and our social fabric. Embracing it is healthy, fun and helps us feel more connected with others. There is nothing about it that should feel shameful.